Always expect the unexpected: pontificating on the possible scenarios for a life without disappointment

Hello again, dear reader. In our last discussion we pontificated on the importance of respect for our fellow human beings and how respect is something that should be earned, rather than taken respect is indeed a very important aspect of the human existence in daily life. However, for today's discussion (after being inspired by the American Airlines story from yesterday's discussion, it is not like the way you might think). I thought we would pontificate on the importance of always expecting the unexpected. This is a very famous quote, so much so that when you ask a random person to give you a quote. This is the one you're likely to get that or "to thine own self be true." The famous quotation from Hamlet, these seem to be the two quotes that everyone remembers. I'm not entirely sure why this is the case, but there you have. I figured with the current state that the universe is in. It is important to remember that "just when you have things figured out. You don't so... always expect the unexpected." Hopefully this discussion will help demonstrate possible scenarios for a life without disappointment....

I'm a big fan of positive thought and positive motivation, which is why I tend to share quotes and sayings with people that I think will inspire them or shed some light on a particular situations. Or just make them smile. However, due to the fact that I do not write them down or save them (except for sending them as text messages or the occasional e-mail) I have forgotten almost all my mottos, except two. The first one was important enough for me to have it tattooed down my life for a "who dares wins" this is the motto of the SAS (special air service) a British special forces unit founded during World War II, on which all other modern-day special forces units are based. These men were the toughest of the tough and never failed to accomplish a mission, there mono inspires me to keep moving forward, trying things and just generally be the best person I can be. The second motto — a very classic motivational one but not that mainstream — “expect the unexpected.” I do believe that it is such a smart sentence that I am really into it every year, not only on the designated one.

I think that there are several ways of reading and interpreting these three words together. If you are a very forward-thinking person, you might think that the unexpected is something concrete, maybe connected to your career. Expect what you think you cannot reach and you will arrive at the top of that mountain. It could be about exceeding one’s career expectations, for this first interpretation of a career challenge. This might be one way of looking at it.

To me, of course, it is exactly the opposite, instead of thinking only about the same career path. Rather than moving only in a vertical direction, I definitely prefer diagonal or horizontal moves or even completely changing dimensions, like quitting a corporate job for a freelance career.

Expect the unexpected, in my point of view, means you can turn the situation upside down and read the story in a completely different way than the secure vertical path.

This multi-dimensional and multi-direction point of view is an inner characteristic of optimist people, who seek to transform even the worst situation into a positive life change. In order to do this, the situation analyzer must be very creative and, in some cases, think outside the box, creating new directions that did not exist before, without expectations, just living in the present.

Another point of view is strongly connected with the feeling of deserving — I expect this because I deserve it. Usually this “deserving” feeling might be accompanied by another strong feeling, envy — you do not deserve it, I deserve it.

Most of the time, expectations have to be considered as a complex path to the future involving several people and not just our will. That is why it is so difficult sometimes to bet (yes, it is definitely a bet) on other people, because we change ideas, we met new people, discover new things. On the other hand, we may not learn anything and strongly want to stare at the same tiny point without a move, without progress.

Recruiters or prospective clients might not choose us; friends and family might be selfish and disappoint us, again and again.

Can we see the full picture?

Take a look at the route you have been walking on. Is this what you were expecting 10 years ago? 5 years ago? Could you ever imagine what happened in 2016? Unless you are Nostradamus, I guess we all know the answer to these questions.

Expectations are a straight route that we build in order to create our future while living in the present, forgetting that we do not know what is going to happen from a macro to micro point of view.

How can we transform the disappointment of not having reached the goals we were expecting?

The right approach is to move from blame to the analysis, not why but how, consider what went wrong and what was different. This is an interesting way of moving ourselves from a guilty state of mind into a discovery state of mind, exploring the causes not as a court but as a human being, and accepting real life instead of living for the expectations.

These considerations do not mean at all that we have to stop planning. Planning is good, fixing goals is good too, but setting expectations is very different. Expectations are shaped around someone else’s choice; they involve decisions that we don’t take, we are passive subjects.

Disappointment is the worst enemy of expectations.

We should work on that, transforming frustration into acknowledgement, learning a new life lesson every time we fail.

When we start considering all the possibilities, expecting the unexpected, it will be fair to imagine a disappointment-free future.

I prefer “expect the unexpected” rather than “carpe diem” because the former has a more prospective sense in that carpe diem does not exist by focusing on a single instant of the present.

Sometimes, this complete sense of the past, the present, and the future, makes it almost impossible to be surprised, not to expect something, which is the only disadvantage of this state of mind.

In the end, this mood can really transform how we act and fight for our future. We could be free of the fear of failure because we will accept the consequence of the unexpected routes.

The “expect the unexpected” philosophy leads to the freedom of choice and the freedom of others people judgment, creating a future full of possibilities, accepting that whatever will be, will be; the future’s not ours to see, que será, será.

As always, dear reader thanks for listing, and there will be more to come soon guaranteed.

Learning to appreciate the importance and power of respect for fellow human beings: understanding how respect is earned, rather than taken.

Hello again, dear reader. Since most of our discussions as of late have involved pontificating on self-improvement type subjects. I thought for today's discussion, we would ponder the importance and power of having respect for fellow human beings. All too often these days, respect is thought out more or less as being synonymous with "power" or the act of being feared rather than a mutual appreciation and understanding of equality between two deserving human beings. Thanks to mass media. The image of "respect" has devolved (in my opinion, and it is a humble one.) Into something akin to a demonstration of masculinity, and proceeded to manhood, and is something to be taken. Most often by force rather than earned, so I hope to this discussion. We as human beings can develop a better understanding of the importance and power of true respect...

What exactly is respect? It’s the sense of worth or personal value that you attach to someone. Respect is an overall evaluation you give someone based on many factors – what that person is doing with their life, how they treat you and others, whether they are honest or not and if they seem to consistently do good things, large or small, for other people. In short, respect is a positive view that you form of how someone is living their life. On the other hand, self-respect is your view of how you’re living your life.

In this two-part series, we will explore three areas of respect – self-respect, respect for others and other people’s respect for you. All three of these areas of respect are very important.

It Starts with Self-Respect

Respecting yourself means giving and defining your own worth and value as a human being. Think about this: if you do not respect yourself, it will be more difficult for you to respect anyone else. So it all begins with self-respect.

But how do I go about respecting myself?

Outlined below is a list of ideals that are fundamental to self-respect. Once you begin to genuinely adopt and develop these, you’ll be on your way to developing a healthy level of self-respect. However, as we talked about the true you in a previous article, certain ideals have the greatest impact on your level of self-respect and you’ll have to determine how that quality will be deployed within your life.

• Being an Honest Person…You must be honest with yourself and with others.

• Valuing Academics and Other Forms of Education…A vital key to self-respect is knowledge.

• Understanding the Impact of Proper Nutrition/Exercise…In order to be your best, you must feel your best.      

• Understanding Financial Responsibility…Financial responsibility is a cornerstone to independence.

• Learning to Listen…Part of learning self-respect involves respecting the beliefs of others.

• Understanding the Value of Good Manners/Proper Conduct…Knowing and exercising good manners and proper conduct will make you feel good about yourself, and, in return, others will respect you for your good manners and proper conduct.

• Learning to Accept Personal Responsibility for Your Own Conduct…Part of being a respected person involves taking responsibility for your own actions.

• Learning When and How to Apologize…Accepting responsibility involves formally apologizing for wrongdoing and striving to make amends.

• Learning to Understand Which of Your Friends are Good Influences and Which Ones are Bad Influences…We must learn to emulate those who are good influences and ignore those who are bad influences. 

• Having Important Goals and Plans for Reaching Them…Each goal you set and attain, you will gain strength to challenge yourself a little more; the more goals you attain, the more your self-respect will grow.

You should address each of these ideals within your own life in order to carry a well-rounded respect for yourself. If you haven’t done so already, start working on each and every one of them. Keep a journal to track your progress. And, as always, if you need help with any of them, turn to a valued listener for help. 

Showing Respect for Others

Just like with yourself, when you demonstrate respect for others, you give value to their being and ideals. In addition, you’ll make someone feel good by granting them respect, provided, of course, that it’s something that they deserve.

One of the best ways to show respect for someone is to truly listen to another’s point of view. Obviously, we’ll not always agree with one another on every topic (and you should never adopt a point of view with which you do not agree), but we should allow each other to have and express our own views – regardless of whether we agree with them or not. 

“To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater.”
Bono

Keep this in mind: you owe everyone a basic level of respect for being a fellow human being, but your level of respect for others will vary from person to person. Just like your self-respect will grow as you master the ideals discussed above, your level of respect for others will vary depending upon your view of them and their own self-respect. 

There’s nothing wrong with affording some people greater respect than others. You should be kind and polite to everyone – no question about that. But for obvious reasons, some of us simply deserve more respect than others. For example, I think we would all agree that a consistently honest person deserves more respect than a habitual liar. So, always be kind, polite and afford a basic level of respect for your fellow man, but you shouldn’t afford beyond basic respect to those who aren’t working on ideals you believe to be important.

Respect is one of mankind’s most noble sentiments. The highest levels of respect are always earned – never given. This is true of self-respect as well as respect for others. Before granting the highest level of self-respect or respect for others, make sure the person is worthy of the honor. 

Appreciating why it pays to Respect Your Fellow human beings

This happened on American airlines.
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.
Visibly furious, she called the stewardess, ”What’s the problem, ma’am?” the stewardess asked her.
“Can’t you see?” the lady said – “I was given a seat next to a black man. I can’t sit here next to him. You have to change my seat.”
– “Please, calm down, madam” – said the stewardess.
“Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I’m still going to check if we have any.”
The stewardess left and returned some minutes later.
“Madam, as I told you, there isn’t any empty seat in this class- economy class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there are no empty seats left in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class.”
And before the woman said anything, the stewardess continued
“Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the captain thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel having to sit next to an unpleasant person.”
And turning to the black man, the stewardess said:
“Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in first class…”
And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet.”

As always thanks for listening, and there will be more to come soon guaranteed.

Dipping your toe in the pond of self-awareness: learning how to become more self-aware and developed into your best self.

Hello again, dear reader. In a few of our previous discussions, we have pontificated on manners on the importance of manners in the 21st century. In the physical world, as well as the technological one and the more I thought about the importance of manners and etiquette. The more I realized the only way to truly understand the importance of manners and etiquette in both the physical world and the digital one and appreciate their value is to be more self-aware. And I know we have touched on the importance of self-awareness and being in the moment. In a few previous discussions concerning leadership, and how to be a good politician or states person, but there was never really had an opportunity to pontificate on how to become more self-aware and the importance of being so. So I got for today's discussion, we would dip our toes briefly into the world of self-awareness and discussed the basic strategies and techniques for becoming more self-aware, because if more of humanity was truly self-aware than more of humanity would be the best version of itself...

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem, and that's true in every aspect of life. Self-awareness and introspection have the ring of a self-help guru's empty promises, but they are the starting point that leads to every improvement.

Self-Improvement Is Impossible Without Self-Awareness

Self-awareness (sometimes also referred to as self-knowledge or introspection) is about understanding your own needs, desires, failings, habits, and everything else that makes you tick. The more you know about yourself, the better you are at adapting life changes that suit your needs.

Of course, self-awareness is a big part of both therapy and philosophy. It's also the basis of the quantified self movement , which assumes that if you collect data about yourself you can make improvements based on that data. The New York Times breaks down the roots like so:

Socrates's ukase was "know thyself." Though it may come as a surprise to some philosophers, self-knowledge requires more than intellectual self-examination. It demands knowing something about your feelings. In my experience philosophers are, in general, not the most emotionally attuned individuals. Many are prone to treat the ebb and flow of feelings as though our passions were nothing but impediments to reason. Freud, more than the sage of Athens, grasped the moral importance of emotional self-transparency. Like the Greek tragedians but in language that did not require an ear for poetry, he reminded us of how difficult it is to own kinship with a whole range of emotions.

Essentially, the more you pay attention to your emotions and how you work, the better you'll understand why you do the things you do. The more you know about your own habits, the easier it is to improve on those habits. In most cases, this takes a little experimentation. Here's The New York Times again, talking about a self-awareness method called double-loop learning :

LESS common but vastly more effective is the cognitive approach that Professor Argyris called double-loop learning. In this mode we... question every aspect of our approach, including our methodology, biases and deeply held assumptions. This more psychologically nuanced self-examination requires that we honestly challenge our beliefs and summon the courage to act on that information, which may lead to fresh ways of thinking about our lives and our goals.

You can read every productivity tip out there , you can adapt the routines of geniuses , and you can eat up every piece of self-help that comes across the computer screen, but it's completely pointless if you don't know yourself well enough to put the correct advice into practice. For example: in college, I spent my time staying up late and working on papers until late in the night. My room was a mess, I didn't have a proper desk, and I spent more sleepless night than I can count. I felt terrible everyday and the papers I wrote were horrible. I thought I was a night person because it had that sense of "cool creative type" about it, but it obviously wasn't working for me.

Now, I can try all I want to work until 3 am with a messy desk, but it'll never make me more productive. At some point I realized I do best with a tidy workspace and early morning writing. It took me years to figure this out. I thought I was a night person because I never took the time to think about my own personality and try something different. Once I did, I never went back.

Self-Awareness Isn't a Magic Bullet, But It Is Step One

It's easy to fall for the idea that if you know yourself well enough you'll be able to fix all your problems, but that's not how it works. It's step one. Our minds are feeble and ripe with biases that color our decisions.

Self-image to the point where we don't notice our own failings.

To bring back my example, this was my problem with working at night. I saw myself as a night person and never even thought about trying to work in the mornings. I've had plenty of similar revelations over the years. It took a divorce for me to realize I wasn't as good at communication as I thought I was and countless experiments to try and figure out who I am . I still make plenty of mistakes and have no idea what I'm doing most of the time, but at least I know what time of day I work best.

Improve Your Self-Awareness with a Few Exercises

Knowing yourself completely is difficult, and it's impossible to solve for every single cognitive bias you have. But just because we suck at it doesn't mean we shouldn't try. You can't solve every problem in your life, but you can make some headway on minor changes. Here are a few ways of doing just that:

• Learn to look at yourself objectively: It's nearly impossible to actually look at yourself objectively, but it's always worth a shot. As we've talked about before , the main idea here is to study and criticize your decisions. Even better, find some trustworthy friends to talk with and listen to their criticisms.
• Write your own manifesto: The main purpose of self-awareness is self-improvement, so it makes sense that you need to have goals. If you're struggling with that part, a manifesto is a great way to push yourself into figuring out what you want.
• Keep a journal: As Kahneman noted above, our memory colors the past pretty deeply. If you want a more accurate gauge of yourself, a journal is a great way to get it . A journal makes you more aware of what you're doing and where problems might be coming from because you can document anything. If you spend time documenting the little things, like food intake, water intake, or sleep, you might notice a larger trend that you can correct for. If you're looking for a deeper understanding of your decision making skills, Harvard Business Review suggests writing down what you think will happen with a decision, then wait nine or ten months and review what you wrote.
• Perform a self-review: The self-review is one of those annoying little things we all do at work, but you can make them beneficial if you think of them more as a thought experiment. Instead of spending your time thinking about what you should improve about yourself, think about what you boss thinks you should do and what co-workers might say. This way, you can see yourself from someone else's perspective and gain a little extra insight into yourself.

It's important to remember that self-awareness is introspection, but it's not navel gazing. Self-absorption and overthinking doesn't get you anywhere, but being aware of your needs and acting on them can help you improve. You might not realize how often what you're doing doesn't correlate to what you want.

The five most important steps to self-awareness

as we have mentioned in a few of the previous discussions. You can’t be a good leader without self-awareness.
It lies at the root of strong character, giving us the ability to lead with a sense of purpose, authenticity, openness, and trust. It explains our successes and our failures. And by giving us a better understanding of who we are, self-awareness lets us better understand what we need most from other people, to complement our own deficiencies in leadership.
The question, then, is how can we cultivate and develop it further. There are many ways to do so. Below are five that I have found to work best:
Meditate. Yes, meditate. As most people know by now, meditation is the practice of improving your moment-by-moment awareness. Most forms of meditation begin with focusing on, and appreciating the simplicity of, inhaling and exhaling. But these don’t need to be formal or ritualistic — greater clarity can also come from regular moments of pause and reflection. Speaking personally, I try to gain greater awareness by simply finding a few seconds to focus on my breathing, often before sleep, and sometimes with one of the many apps available to help. During these meditations, I also ask myself a set of questions, among them:

• What am I trying to achieve?
• What am I doing that is working?
• What am I doing that is slowing me down?
• What can I do to change?

But the most frequent form of “meditation” I practice derives from carrying out seemingly mundane tasks that inspire a degree of therapeutic serenity, including washing dishes, working in my garden, and spending early Saturday mornings writing in Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts as I wait for my son to be dismissed from his drawing class.
Write down your key plans and priorities. One of the best ways to increase self-awareness is to write down what you want to do and track your progress. Warren Buffet, for one, is known for carefully articulating the reasons he’s making an investment at the time he makes it. His journal entries serve as a historical record that helps him assess whether or not future outcomes can be attributable to sound judgment or just plain luck.
Li Lu, a co-leader of the Tienanmen Square student demonstration and today a highly respected investor, told me once about a practice he followed for years, inspired by Benjamin Franklin. Franklin kept a “balance sheet” of both the assets and liabilities of his personal traits. By plagiarizing any new strength he believed he could learn from someone else, and marking down any self-perceived weaknesses, he could better assess whether the “net worth” of his character was growing over time.
Take psychometric tests. In Heart, Smarts, Guts and Luck, my co-authors and I developed a simple “entrepreneurial aptitude test” in order to understand which traits readers were most likely to be biased in business-building and in life. Among the best known of these tests are Myers-Briggs and Predictive Index, but all are aimed as serving as a data point towards greater self-awareness. A common design point with all of them is that there are no particular right or wrong answers. Instead, they are designed to compel respondents to consider a set of traits or characteristics that most accurately describe them relative to other people. In our own version, (which can be taken at www.hsgl.com, and is free) we ask people to consider forced choices in paired question sets – e.g. Is your success best described by analytics or instincts? Are you more driven by passion or by action? Reflecting on forced trade-off questions such as these help test-takers better understand their own true characters.
Ask trusted friends. None of us is altogether aware of how we come across to others. We have to rely on the feedback of our peers, friends, and mentors. To have your friends play the role of honest mirror, let them know when you are seeking candid, critical, objective perspectives. Make your friend or colleague feel safe to give you an informal, but direct and honest view. This can mean saying something like, “Look, I am actually asking you as a friend, please just be straight with me on this matter. Okay?“
Another strategy is to ask friends to call you out when you are doing a behavior you already know you want to change. For instance, “Look, I know I am a ‘story-topper’ who needs to one-up every conversation, but do me a favor and each time I do that, let me know – preferably discreetly – so I can learn to stop.”
Get regular feedback at work. In addition to informally and periodically asking friends and family, use the formal processes and mechanisms at your workplace. If none are in place, see if you can implement more formal feedback loops. Provided it is done well, constructive, formalized feedback allows us to better see our own strengths and weaknesses. At my own venture capital firm, Cue Ball, we have begun encouraging entrepreneurial founders to institute a formal, annual 360-feedback process that provides feedback across multiple areas of competencies and work styles.
The key to effective formal feedback is to a) have a process, and b) have an effective manager of it. The latter either requires really good internal HR people, or bringing in outside facilitators and consultants. We’ve found the approach with external folks to be more effective at both small and large companies, because they come without the baggage of per-conceived biases or reporting lines. Once the feedback process is completed, it is important all involved to reflect on it by writing down their top takeaways. Note both any surprising strengths and any weaknesses or blind spots.
In the end, we all want self-awareness. Without it, one can never fully lead effectively. It’s only with self-awareness that one can journey closer to a state of “self-congruence” — in which what we say, think, and feel are consistent. Building self-awareness is a life-long effort. You’re never “done.” But these five pragmatic practices will help you move faster and further along the way.

As always thanks for listening, and there will be more to come soon guaranteed.